Here is what I remember…

Feeling light, and fiery and fast and bright.

I remember the feel of the sun and wind on my face as I move through forests that open onto mountaintops.

I remember knowing what my limbs were capable of.

I remember the ache and the fire in them when I pushed past what I knew they could do.

I remember the feeling of pride when in those moments, I realized I was still standing and was – in a way – better than before.

I remember the exquisite pain of childbirth and the icy, icy fear of it.

I remember the moment I saw my son for the first time. Like a wind sweeping through my mind and rearranging everything I thought I knew.

And then, after the beauty, the fear and the pain again.

With that love came a fear like I had never known before. Would I be enough?

Could I keep him safe from all dangers and poisons in the world?

That fear has leaked into my bones.

Now I am fearful of reaching my limits, much less pushing past them.

What if, as I am reaching out for myself, I move away from him?

This fear is my subconscious trying to protect me.

This fear, so pervasive and stubborn and toxic.

So toxic that I have become insignificant.

I try to reach up and out, but the fear just pulls me back down again and convinces me I am safe and that it is better this way.

Better than finding my light and letting it shine through.

Safe is good for me and it means I can take care of my family.

I need to be safe to take care of them.

But, what if?

What if I keep remembering that fiery, shining person?

What if I listen to the light instead of the fear? Fear – I won’t let you take any more light from me. I am done with you.

Now I will listen to the light and the wind and just watch me spread my wings and soar again.

Here is what I remember. There is always a way. I have always found a way when the light shines.

Rhonda Pawlicki,  Denver, CO

Rhonda is a mom, museum-junkie, nature-lover, eternal-student and hopeful world-explorer.


MORE ABOUT STORIES

Sexy, Spiritual, Sane STORIES is a collection of REAL experiences from REAL women. 

Their struggles, their wins, their fears, their desires. And we want to hear from YOU!

I’ve worked with 100s of women over the years, and one thing I’ve learned is that sharing is healing.

When we can all relate; find common ground and understand that the human condition doesn’t discriminate, we can find beauty in each other and ourselves much more easily.

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xo
~Katie