Here is what I remember…
Feeling light, and fiery and fast and bright.
I remember the feel of the sun and wind on my face as I move through forests that open onto mountaintops.
I remember knowing what my limbs were capable of.
I remember the ache and the fire in them when I pushed past what I knew they could do.
I remember the feeling of pride when in those moments, I realized I was still standing and was – in a way – better than before.
I remember the exquisite pain of childbirth and the icy, icy fear of it.
I remember the moment I saw my son for the first time. Like a wind sweeping through my mind and rearranging everything I thought I knew.
And then, after the beauty, the fear and the pain again.
With that love came a fear like I had never known before. Would I be enough?
Could I keep him safe from all dangers and poisons in the world?
That fear has leaked into my bones.
Now I am fearful of reaching my limits, much less pushing past them.
What if, as I am reaching out for myself, I move away from him?
This fear is my subconscious trying to protect me.
This fear, so pervasive and stubborn and toxic.
So toxic that I have become insignificant.
I try to reach up and out, but the fear just pulls me back down again and convinces me I am safe and that it is better this way.
Better than finding my light and letting it shine through.
Safe is good for me and it means I can take care of my family.
I need to be safe to take care of them.
But, what if?
What if I keep remembering that fiery, shining person?
What if I listen to the light instead of the fear? Fear – I won’t let you take any more light from me. I am done with you.
Now I will listen to the light and the wind and just watch me spread my wings and soar again.
Here is what I remember. There is always a way. I have always found a way when the light shines.
Rhonda Pawlicki, Denver, CO
Rhonda is a mom, museum-junkie, nature-lover, eternal-student and hopeful world-explorer.
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